Dear Bessie...

I've tried calling you, like, 4,812,906 times and no one answers. This means:

a) You're dead.
b) You're hiding.
c) You're so goddamn busy that you don't have time to answer the phone.
d) You've moved and haven't unpacked the phone.
e) You've moved and decided that you really didn't like having a phone.
f) You've suffered a head trauma and have forgotten how to answer the phone.
g) You've changed your number.
h) I've been dialing the wrong damn number the last 4,812,906 times.
i) You've perpetrated violence against your daughter, but in the process wounded yourself, so you're not able to reach the phone to answer it because you're bleeding out slowly on your new living room carpet.
j) The phone company is accidentally routing your calls to Czechoslovakia, where it's too late at night for any reasonable person to answer the phone when I call.

Please select any/all that apply and return to sender.

Sincerely,

Wayfarer