Some Groundhog Day journalism...

Dateline: Gobbler’s Knob, PA.

Punxsutawny Phil, the nation’s most famous weather oracle, has just announced that, due to the effects of global warning, winter will shortened to only 6 weeks on the East Coast in 2007. He regrets, however, that those living west of the Mississippi River will experience winter through July and that southern California will suffer its first ever blizzard as a result of El Niño. Furthermore, with the recent addition of AccuForecast©®™ subterranean doppler almanac forecasting technology, Phil and his team of prognosticators has been able to predict with a high degree of certainty that Hillary Rodham Clinton will be the cause of significant snowfall in Hell during the early winter of 2008.

These announcements come as Phil begins a national tour to promote his new book, “Driving Angry: One Groundhog’s Quest for Respect”, which is due in stores this week. The work, already expected to be a best-seller, is a tell-all biography that confirms many rumors about the rotund celebrity, including his affair with Groundhog Day co-star Andie MacDowell (“she wanted me to seduce her”) and his connection to Scientology. Phil’s engagements during the month of February include appearances on The Late Show with David Letterman and this week’s episode of Studio 60.

Punxsatawny Phil is a native of Pennsylvania, and holds degrees in Meteorology and Earth Science from the University of Pennsylvania. He resides at Gobbler’s Knob with his longtime companion, Geoffrey.