The Paradox That Is Me

I received recently an email request for random things about me, and it got me to thinking about the strange sorts of contradictions that are part of who I am. Here, as an example, are just some random things…

— I have smoked exactly 3 puffs of 1 cigarette in my entire life. I have never chewed or dipped, nor have I ever smoked weed (second hand smoke from college parties not included). I do, however, have every intention of taking up pipe smoking after I earn my Master’s degree.

— I am left-handed, but my right hand is far and away the more dexterous. Unlike most lefties, I prefer to use the mouse and hold my knife with my right hand. In soccer, I prefer to strike with my left foot, but my right foot controls the ball better and has better feel for it. I tilt my head to the left when I’m listening (so the right ear can hear better), but I put the phone on my left shoulder.

— It’s old news to most of you, but I’m colorblind—very much so. Particularly, I have a form of anomalous trichromatic vision in which all three colors (red, green and blue) are misaligned. I can see in color, but my range is much narrowed compared to most people and there are certain colors that I simply cannot distinguish from others. Brown, maroon, violet and purple are the worst (I have no perception of them whatsoever), but I have troubles with beige, teal, tan and certain pinks and oranges. I found out today that my condition is actually a combination of two separate genetic defects and that my limited blue sensitivity is exceedingly rare (0.0001% of men have it). Anyway, the actual paradox is that I have records from my early childhood that suggest that, even as early as preschool, I could identify all my basic colors, including brown and purple. I can actually do a pretty good job of identifying colors out of context even today. Just don't ask me to know if my tie goes with my shirt.

— I still have baby teeth. That’s right. Two of ‘em. My first molars on the bottom, as it happens. They are perfectly healthy and have no adult teeth pushing up under them. Counting these, I have 30 teeth. I have no idea where the other two went. I think I had the baby teeth pulled when I was young to make room for the adult teeth, and they just never came in. I didn’t have cavities as a kid, as far as I can remember.

— I have to sleep on whichever side of the bed is furthest from the door (Exception: My in-laws house. I have to sleep on the other side because the vent on the proper side blows on me and dries my eyes out. I never sleep well there). In restaurants and other public places, I have to face out, toward the door. I have particular places for my keys, my wallet, cell phone and I put these things only in those places. In contrast, I leave my glasses everywhere and can NOT, for the life of me, establish a routine place for them. I also have to be careful with my wedding ring. I take it off to type and I have often not realized I’ve left it until later. It usually causes my heart to stop when I absently go to twirl it around my finger and realize it’s not there. My office and woodshop are an absolute disaster area and, while I will claim to know where everything is in these places, this does not excuse the fact that I could hide a dead body in either location without fear of it being discovered for quite some time.

— I have more pairs of pajama pants than dress pants and jeans combined, but I have more polo shirts than t-shirts. Hey! At least I’m sharply dressed from the waist up!

— I am an enthusiastic Dungeons and Dragons® player and dungeon master, but I am also an avid fan of competitive sport (3 weeks to Germany 2006, soccer fans!).

— And finally, I have traveled numerous time to Europe and South America and I speak, to varying degrees of fluency, six languages. I have broadband access to the internet, so I have instant access to news, music and entertainment from all over the world. I love this! You want to know what I listen to whenever I can, though? American 80’s pop music.