Thursday, May 11, 2006

AIM 911

The following instant message was received this evening. It is recorded here as it was written, except that it was lightly edited for length and readability, and that the names of those concerned have been deleted to protect their identities (and their pride).

----: I need help!
----: I just emptied my cabinets with the extension to my vacuum.
Me: I am here. 'Sup?

----: I saw two mice.
----: I’m afraid to put my hands in the cabinets, so I used the extension, then one fell out into a glass, and I poured bleach on him until he didn’t move.
----: My dog is terrified too. He sits across the room and shakes.
Me: He's afraid because you are, I imagine. But he has just seen drown an animal in a glass of bleach. That’s pretty traumatic.
----: I banged on the cabinet doors with a hammer before I opened them, and the mice were still there. Staring at me.
Me: They were probably wondering what all the fuss was about.
----: My dad promised me they are only nocturnal and afraid of noises. He was very, very wrong.
Me: Well, you can be sure that they are not carnivorous. They're likely just looking for crackers or something.
Me: They won't harm anything but the crackers, really.
----: I threw out all my food and put the rest in the fridge.
Me: ok. That might have been overkill, but there you go.
----: They don't go where there isn't food, right?
Me: That's not strictly true, but close enough.
----: He came out, but he's scared of me now.
Me: I would be too, what with you wielding a hammer and a vacuum. Clearly you don't want to share any crackers!
----: I just saw him in the cabinet.
----: I’ll spray him with bleach!
----: I sprayed him with Febreeze before, but it didn't have the effect I wanted.
Me: You deodorized him??!?
Me: So, now you have a mouse that smells like a fresh spring breeze?
----: I think its summer linen, but yes.
----: He's very wet.
Me: Oh boy.
Me: Put him in the dryer and fluff him up, then you could use him to freshen the bathroom. :-)
----: Oh funny.
Me: I hope you'll forgive me, but I'm cracking up over here.
----: Well, I’m gaining confidence. I’m ready for him to show his face again.
----: I’ve turned off the TV so I can hear his pitter patter.
----: Ha! I just sprayed him with bleach!
----: He's on the top shelf, and I’m not tall enough to see where he went.
Me: He's probably wondering why you're out to launder him.
----: My orange cleanser is enviro-friendly. That leaves me with bleach or carpet cleaner.
Me: He's not an ant. You're not likely to kill him by spraying him with anything.
Me: You're going to have to get him to leave, evict him, or trap him. Or maybe get lucky and drown him in bleach, but that's already happened once. I'd say the odds are slim of that happening again.
----: I just sprayed carpet foam all over him this time.
Me: He'll die clean, that's for sure!
----: The foam stopped moving, but I can't be positive he's still in it.
----: Cleaning supplies are the only poisons I have. Isn’t that an obvious solution?
Me: It's only poison if you drown them in it.
----: I can see his little feet sticking out of the foam.
----: I’ve conquered the beast!!
Me: Good Lord.

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